Vanity Hour
by Bebe Gurrl
Summary: The pretty boys of DW have decided to indulge into making themselves prettier more than ever. Soon, they discover the real price of vanity, including rivalry among others and themselves. Please read and review.
1. Grand Opening

Nikki's Notes: I do not own Dynasty Warriors and the characters, but this story is mine, so no stealing of my hard work, please. This fic is based on modern times, anyway. Have a great time.

It was such a lovely day in Northern China with the birds flying in the air gracefully and the atmosphere was quite lively. A perfect day for refreshing after a hard day's work, and of course after cramming through endless notes a minute before a long exam. Everybody was quite busy with anything, and to their surprise, Vanity Warriors—a spot for vain and self loving people, particularly young men, has opened its doors wide open for people who feel that they have neglected themselves because of work. The huge clinic offers a lot—including a spa, yoga training, hot springs, weight-loss programs, you name it. One thing though: one must pay 25,000 yuan a month— if they want to have that voluptuous body and nice hairdo.

Of course, the bill is not any hindrance to totally vain (read: VAIN) people who would kill themselves working just so they could enroll. And if you're damn rich like them Hiltons, it's no problem at all! So….

After a few days of its grand opening, Jiang Wei found himself enrolling inside the clinic. Nope, he wasn't a workaholic, though he was really proud to tell that taking out every single dust from Zhuge Liang's fan was quite tiring. So why not have a great time for himself?

At the receptions, the place was pure white and it scared Jiang Wei a lot. Not to mention that he's paranoid, and he could hear every single footstep that he makes. twitch "What was that!" He always found himself saying, and the fat lady by the cashier couldn't help but laugh. Yup, he was tired of being laughed at too. Imagine hitting your teammate out of fear that he might accidentally hit you during dodgeball. Tch. Pretty embarrassing.

"I have arrived!", he said in great enthusiasm. The fat woman just stared at him in annoyance. He was shouting when he first came in, because of, you know, his echoing footsteps, so there is no reason to tell her that he has arrived. "You're late.", she just uttered, making him worry more. "I'm late for today's first session!", he growled. The fat woman smirked. "Just give me your pay and go in, son."

Panicking, Jiang Wei shoved the 25,000 yuan to the woman, throwing it right to her face, then ran in a frenzy. And when she opened the cashier… "What was that sound!", he turned back again, almost slipping at the smoothness of the floor. After a few seconds, he ran towards the door anyways like it was some king of toilet emergency.

The receptions hall looked somewhat like a mental hospital, but the session room was far from magnificent. Every corner was painted midnight blue, and small crystal that glittered at Jiang Wei's every movement were scattered by the walls. Jiang Wei searched around for other customers that he could befriend and spotted a familiar figure sitting cross- legged on the bright green sofa. "Zhao Yun!"

The man turned around and showed a big smile upon seeing his friend. "I told you I was gonna enroll!", Zhao Yun yelled as Jiang Wei came closer. His friend flashed a wide smile, showing pearly white teeth that sparkled like diamonds. "H-hey, you got them dental appointments here, right?", Jiang Wei said in envy. Zhao Yun's smile never faded, and he shook his head teasingly, seeing the other man's envious look. "Guess again."

"Man, I told you those fabric detergents are hazardous!", Jiang Wei scolded, slapping his friend's back. He finally sat on the sofa, searching around for anyone else that came for the first session. There was no one except a cute boy playing with his lighter over and over. "So there's only the two of us here… and him…", Jiang Wei pointed towards the boy. "Oh yeah, I made friends with him while waiting for the head instructor. Xunie! Come on over Lu Xun!"

the guy turned his head towards them and kept his lighter in an instant. He was wearing a red shirt that read "HOW DO YOU KEEP AN IDIOT BUSY? (see back side)", dark denim pants and white Nike shoes to match with. Jiang Wei was pretty amused by his logo shirt and as the boy sat with them he bent his head over to see what the back side read this time.

"HOW DO YOU KEEP AN IDIOT BUSY? (see front side)"

"Yeah, I got fooled by that logo shirt too.", Zhao Yun seemed proud to tell so. "Anyways, this is Lu Xun, and this is Jiang Wei." He gestured his hands. The boy had golden eyes which Wei found really unusual. "Nice contacts.", he commented. The boy smirked and shrugged his shoulders. "They're real."

"Oooh, I see!", Jiang Wei said in delight. Lu Xun just smiled. Zhao Yun scratched his head and yawned in boredom. "It seems that there are only the three of us who are vain from the male species…"

All of a sudden the door banged loudly to their surprise. Two men came in. one with long, dark hair and the other with a high ponytail and a Sprite can in hand.

"Zhou Yu…?", Lu Xun stood up slowly, an expression of disbelief in his face.

"What the hell are you doing here?", the long haired guy exclaimed.

"I'm here to get a break from your long and boring lessons!", Lu Xun kidded. "Well I'm here to pamper myself also.", Zhou Yu said. "Look at my face! I feel like I'm thirty plus…"

The man with the Sprite can thrust his elbow softly at Yu. "You are…"

"… Shut up.", Zhou Yu rolled his eyes.

Lu Xun shrugged his shoulders and introduced them to his new friends. "This is my mentor, Zhou Yu, and his 'i-wish-he-was-my-brother Sun Ce." Jiang Wei and Zhao Yun stood from the sofa and greeted them with smiles. Zhao Yun was proud of his pearly whites and flashed them like hell. Sun Ce raised a finger. "Ahh… fabric detergent." He did the Zhao Yun flashy smile—and pointed to his own white teeth.

"So that's why I keep smelling my clothes in your mouth!", Zhou Yu said in disgust, shoving Sun Ce's chest. "God, I'm pretty scared that they'll ask us to do the same to have that kind of teeth.", Jiang Wei frowned. Zhao Yun finally let go of his smile. "Stop being paranoid, kido.", he said, fixing his jaw in a moment. "We're all here to be pretty. Not to be scared."

Another door opened, and it wasn't just any customer this time. Sun Ce could not help but gasp. "Something to be afraid of!"

Lu Xun's face turned bright red, and he grabbed a handful of hair from his head with two hands. "A GAY HEAD INSTRUCTOR!"

Sure, there's nothing left to be asked. The head instructor was gay indeed. He was clad in a purple, glittery sash that almost covered his bare chest, lavender trousers and a pair of high- heeled purple pumps. His long hair was tied in a ponytail with a golden butterfly clip. The instructor eyed them one by one before bowing down gracefully, exposing a pair of golden butterfly wings.

"A BEAUTIFUL morning to my dear customers—I am Zhang He, and I will be your head instructor here in Vanity Warriors!", he declared, exposing glittering pearly white teeth that almost blinded them in a flash. Sun Ce and Zhao Yun stared at each other in disbelief.

Zhang He winked at the frightened Lu Xun who was hiding behind his mentor's back. "This is my assistant, Diao Chan—", he pointed towards a tall woman in a white dress. "—and the head bodyguard, the Mighty Lu Bu." Jiang Wei eyed the pretty assistant, looking her up and down. "By the way, Lu Bu has his own ways on dealing with pests in the clinic.", Zhang He grinned. Lu Bu cracked his fingers as he came nearer to Diao Chan, making Jiang Wei stare at the gay instructor instead.

Zhang He raised his finger and started counting the clients, moving his finger gracefully at every count. "I didn't expect that we would be this less…", he frowned in frustration. " Anyways, my pretty boys…"

"I wouldn't be the one to our you around the clinic since I have my own job to do, but I would like you to learn the signature Vanity Warriors move, which would prove that you are indeed a Vanity Warrior." , he smiled at the scared Lu Xun. who was still hiding behind Zhou Yu. "Watch me."

Zhang He stepped his right foot to the left, his high- heels clicking. His arms were spread wide open, the left one raised high and the other below. He turned around swiftly with grace and raised his hands up while facing them. Then he flapped his hands quickly like a butterfly and cheered, "BEAUTIFUL!"

The boys stared at Zhang He in awe. "Why have I enrolled…?", Zhou Yu cried, grabbing the frightened Lu Xun from behind. The instructor winked at them and flipped back his pony tail. "Please proceed gracefully."

Silence.

"Come on now, beautiful people!"

Having no choice, Jaing Wei, Zhao Yun, Sun Ce, Lu Xun and Zhou Yu stepped their right foot to the left, arms spread, turned around and flapped their hands like cute butterflies indeed.

"BEAUIFUL!"


	2. Meet The Instructors

When lead instructor Zhang He left Diao Chan and Lu Bu to tour the clients around, sighs of relief can be heard through out the session hall. Being around with gays frightened the pretty boys a bit, especially Lu Xun, who kept recalling his own horrible experience with a gay. Diao Chan had to clap her hands for a lot of times to hush them down, and Lu Bu proved to be very useful with those loud, cracking fingers. As they settled down, Diao Chan bowed in greeting and smiled at them widely, revealing a white set of teeth. "Ahh… fabric detergent!", Zhao Yun and Sun Ce whispered. Diao Chan clapped her hands together. "Please have a seat."

The boys settled down at the bright green sofa as Diao Chan took a piece of paper from her pocket. Her tall, slender figure made Jiang Wei stare, but every time he tried to eye the assistant, loud cracking of finger bones can be heard, making him back out in terror. "Sir Zhao Yun, Sir Jiang Wei, Sir Lu Xun, Sir Zhou Yu and Sir Sun Ce. Perhaps the enrollment fee was a bit high…", Diao Chan sighed as he kept the paper back to her pocket. "Lu Bu and I shall tour you around since Mr. Zhang He has a lot of work being lead instructor and manager as one."

"Let's have a brief discussion of what Vanity Warriors is all about." She clapped her hands together for the second time. "Our program offers different treatments, depending on the things that you need to improve on, like your weight, skintone, your smile—"

"My smile!", Zhao Yun thundered. "Nothing is prettier than my smile!"

"Perhaps teeth whitening treatment is not menat for the two of us, ne?", Sun Ce followed with a huge grin.

Diao Chan rubbed her hands together. "In Vanity Warriors, the fabric detergent treatment is considered grotesque. Why, do your teeth feel like clothes already, may I ask?" She smiled, blinding them with extremely bleached teeth. "This—this is only one of the many wonders our program can offer." Sun Ce and Zhao Yun remained silent, finally admitting defeat.

"Alright. We will visit each section with their corresponding instructors this morning. Don't forget to greet, though!", she turned around and flapped her slender arms. "BEAUTIFUL!"

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After walking through several butterfly- decorated hallways, Diao Chan, Lu Bu and the pioneer Vanity Warriors went out in the open field. There was nothing except green grass and a man with a long beard, a staff and dressed in a long, yellow robe.

"Preaching class…?", Zhou Yu scratched his head.

The man in yellow came nearer to them and flashed a Zhao Yun smile, then he turned around and did the butterfly move. "BEAUTIFUL!"

"Hey—where did the staff go?", Lu Xun asked.

To their surprise, they found the staff suspended in mid-air, right above the man's flapping hands. Diao Chan cleared her throat to derive their attention. "Everybody, this is Zhang Jiao, our instructor for meditation class."

_HUH?_ Their faces seem to tell, and Zhang Jiao grabbed his staff in the air and approached them one by one, studying their faces.

The meditation class instructor stroked his beard as he stopped infront of Sun Ce. "Son, your irritable bowel syndrome always messed up your dates." Sun Ce blushed. Walking past Zhou Yu and Zhao Yun, he stopped infront of Lu Xun. "A serious case of pyromania!" Then he walked again, and stopped infront of the last client, Jiang Wei. "You need help with that paranoia."

Zhang Jiao returned beside Diao Chan, who was smiling to herself. _I never knew we had such SICK clients…_ she thought. the instructor gave Zhou Yu and Zhao Yun icy stares and said, "Hmmm… I could not detect any serious illness from you two, but I could tell that your names sound alike."

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The meditation class instructor was weird and scary, but the spa instructor was very, very charming. Instead of greeting them with the signature Vanity Warrior move, she stroked her curvaceous body and licked her lips. She was carrying a flute, her hair was tied in a high ponytail and her dress was revealing.

"I'm the spa instructor, but I too can be a masseuse…", she looked at each and every one of them with twinkling eyes, leaving the boys' mouths open. She raised her flute to her lips and blew a note, releasing a sweet scent and huge purple bubbles that popped at Zhou Yu's face. In an instant, Zhou Yu looked like he was hypnotized and he smiled sweetly at her as she approached. The lady smiled and grabbed him by the buttocks.

"Zhen Ji has a knack of breaking rules.", Diao Chan rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers. Immediately, Lu Bu parted the flirtatious spa instructor from the client. As Lu Bu grabbed her, Zhen Ji gave Diao Chan an evil glare. "Someday I'll get your clients… and your pretty bodyguard too!"

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After being charmed by the seductive Zhen Ji, the Vanity Warriors found themselves inside a room full of delicious food. "Dining room, perhaps.", Jiang Wei shrugged his shoulders. "We'd probably need an instructor while eating."

"Man, I'm starving!", Sun Ce rubbed his tummy, running towards a plate of roasted turkey. Diao Chan shook her head in worry. As Sun Ce was about to grab the plate, a huge arm stole it away from him in his surprise. "That's mine!", it said, and Ce was even more surprised to see a big, fat man with a huge boulder of rock on his shoulders.

Lu Xun stepped forward and looked around. "What's a treadmill doing inside the dining room?"

Diao Chan clapped her hands together. "This is Xu Zhu, in charge of the gym. He handles weight-loss program."

"WHAT?" Everybody shouted in chorus. Xu Zhu carried the boulder of rock up and down like a barbell.

"As far as I know, the gym instructor must have a muscular build in order to inspire the clients to have that kind of body!", Zhou Yu declared, gesturing his hands repeatedly.

"Well, Mr. Zhang He and I believe that Xu Zhu's physique actually motivates the clients to lose more weight.", Diao Chan replied.

"So you want us to fear that kind of body, Sun Ce scratched his head. "And how do you think we're going to get thin with all that food around?"

Diao Chan smiled and went beside Xu Zhu, rubbing his tummy gently. "I wouldn't attempt to steal his food if I don't like to get pummeled, you know."

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"Woah!"

Zhao Yun ducked from the balls of fire thrown at him. The others were protecting themselves as well, except for one guy, Lu Xun—who was actually catching the fire balls like they were some sort of a long lost relative.

"Zhu Rong! I'm with some clients, dammit!", Diao Chan hollered.

At last the fire balls ceased coming, and a dark- skinned woman came out behind a huge rock. "Oww—sorry."

Diao Chan raised an eyebrow and checked the clients if they are ok. "I hate you."

Lu Xun seemed to be floating in the air as he admired the room which was decorated with scented candles at every corner. Huge rocks surrounded a hot spring and at the right side were beds of exotic flowers with tanning sprays. The most beautiful part was a grotto of dancing fire.

"Who's ready to meet the Goddess of Fire?", the dark- skinned woman crossed her arms.

"I am!", Lu Xun raised his hand.

"What's a Goddess Shrine doing inside the clinic?", Jiang Wei asked.

Diao Chan stepped forward with a tanning spray in hand. "Ignore her. She actually believes that she is a descendant of the fire god. Meet Zhu Rong, instructor for hot spring and tanning section."

With much respect, Lu Xun knelt in exaltation. "Goddess of the Fire…"

"You're kidding, right?", Sun Ce laughed. He turned to Zhou Yu. "Isn't he your student?"

Zhou Yu looked at his student like he was some sort of a Star Trek character. "God… I don't like teaching anymore."

Zhu Rong declared as she pointed to Lu Xun. "Stand up, follower! I need to search you if you have the Fire Mark!"

With no hesitation, Lu Xun pulled his pants down and pointed to his behind. "I don't know if this is the Fire Mark or just a birthmark…"

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Right after Lu Xun stripped down to his birthday suit, trying hard to search for the 'Fire Mark', they started to pull him out of the room even though he started cussing and objecting. Zhou Yu tried to dress him up while the others held him tight, but when the pyromaniac grabbed a lit candle and wielded it like a sword, the backed out in fear that he might burn their flawless skins. It wasn't long before Lu Bu came and finished him off by stealing the candle from him and placing it right before his, you know, which leads them to the last instructors, the Qiaos!

"BEAUTIFUL!", the girls greeted as they waved bug fans like a butterfly.

Diao Chan flashed a fake smile. "Xiao and Da are in charge of the parlor."

"We style your hair, we pick your undies, we shave your unwanted hair, anything!", Xiao jumped repeatedly.

"We know what's right for you! We're your fashion consultants, your hairdressers, everything!", Da followed.

Sure, the parlor delighted the clients a lot, if it wasn't for the pink walls and more butterflies at every corner. "…..WHY!", Sun Ce dropped to his knees.

"This is Gay Transformation Clinic!", Zhao Yun shouted in anger. "Is this some sort of a Straight Eye for the Queer Guys show?"

"We will become our WORST nightmares….", Lu Xun cried.

Diao Chan looked pretty hurt, and the younger Qiao started crying like hell. Da rushed to comfort his sister, while Zhou Yu came to aide the crying Lu Xun.

Jiang Wei grabbed a handful of hair and cried. "This is sooooOOOOO great!"


	3. Dining Rules

Meeting the instructors was not easy for the clients, thought they are glad to know that the clinic has got everything they need. What else are vain men up to nowadays? They'll get to be massaged by a voluptuous spa instructor, lose weight by fearing to have Xu Zhu's body, levitate and meditate with old man Zhang Jiao, tan themselves in flower beds and bathe in relaxing hot springs, and the pretty Qiaos said they would wax their unwanted hair. At the second day of being Vanity Warriors, Zhao Yun and Zhou Yu found themselves inside the spa section.

The two were arguing over who will be massaged by instructor Zhen Ji, but when two other pretty masseuses revealed themselves, they stripped down to their birthday suits and laid on soft beds with a towel to cover their booties.

"This…. Feels… nice.", Zhao Yun smiled. Zhou Yu tilted his head to him. "This makes your blood circulate properly.. thus giving you great skin. Such a nice break from work."

Zhao Yun closed his eyes in relaxation. "… work? Lu Xun is your student, right? What do you teach him?"

"Uh, that's between him and me."

"Don't wanna tell me… give me a clue then…"

Zhou Yu let out a groan before replying. "Let's say that we work then we eat, eat, eat."

Zhao Yun opened his eyes. "Really..? I wonder why you want break from that.."

Zhou Yu raised his hand then explained. "You know we have to taste some that's bad… only a few of them are tasty and fresh nowadays."

"Yup… what you said is true. Few of them are fresh and yummy nowadays.", Zhao Yun agreed.

"Sometimes I tell Lu Xun to put some flavor just to make the stuff tolerable.", Zhou Yun continued.

"I like you job… you and Lu Xun are lucky people..", Zhao Yun said enviously. "You think so?", Zhou Yu protested. "We get to eat the same ones everyday! Marmalade, cherry pie, strawberry sundae, mango tarts!"

"Hey.. nice names. (-.,)", Zhao Yun giggled.

Zhou Yu reached for Zhao Yun's exposed back and slapped him hard. "I'm talking about cooking lessons here!"

"Oww…!", Zhao Yun smiled. "Which reminds me.. I'm here to get rid of these fats!" He stood up and tied the towel to his side. "See you later, mentor. By the way, I'm looking forward to eating some of your delicacies.."

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"Close your eyes, and think about nothing, but tell yourself.. "I am going to be okay because there is nothing to worry about.'" , Zhang Jiao instructed, waving his staff.

"Not unless you put that staff away!", Jiang Wei objected as he sat on the grassy fields.

Zhang Jiao gritted his teeth in annoyance. They have been arguing for ten minutes now, and the man does not want to close his eyes with the staff around. "Just do it! I'm not gonna hit you unless you do what I say!"

"Ok, ok!", Jiang Wei finally followed, closing his eyes in an instant. "I am going to be ok because there is nothing to worry about…", slowly he began to open his left eye—watching if the instructor would even touch his staff.

In a second, Zhang Jiao made his staff fall on Jiang Wei's head. "Close your eyes, boy!", he picked it up and prepared to hit him again.

"W-w- wait!", Jiang Wei shielded himself with two hands. "Isnt it the other way around? Like , there is nothing to worry about because I am going to be ok?"

"Whatever it is that you think is right, it would not cure your paranoia if you don't concentrate! What's with my staff? Why don't you want it around?", Zhang Jiao cried. He began to turn red.

"What's with your staff? Why do you want it around?", Jiang Wei asked back. "I' m going to watch you for the rest of the day if you wont put it away!"

The instructor sat infront of the stupid client and smiled. "Try me."

For about a minute, they looked into each other's eyes, and Jiang Wei gave Zhang Jiao the opportunity to study him..

_Boy, boy. His paranoia is serious and it will be too costly for medical help. Hey! He just took Viagra this morning—I can feel it! Now I know why he cant concentrate! Why the hell would someone take Viagra in the morning? Hmm… must've thought it was Centrum… _

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Sun Ce was obviously having fun lying on his back on the bed of exotic flowers. "All I need is an even skintone! .. Let's see if my ex comes back. Hehe.", he grinned, then grabbed the tanning spray on his hand. "Tanning spray in chocolate Scent.. for Sir Sun Ce.", he read the label quietly, then grinned again. "This is heaven!", he hollered to Lu Xun, who was waddling his foot on the hot spring to check if the water's ok.

Lu Xun smiled in relaxation. "You're right… this is heaven.. with a touch of hell." He turned his head around and sniffed the air. "Does the water smell like Cadbury?"

Sun Ce grinned again. "Hey, Xunie, I can see you!"

"What?", Lu Xun's eyes widened and he stared at his body in shocked. "What the hell? The water's crystal clear!"

Sun Ce giggled as the panicking Lu Xun tried to position himself in a way that he cannot be seen—all in vain. "You have nothing to hide, Xunie, RELAX!"

" I- I can see my treasures!"

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The Vanity Warriors marveled the dining room like it was a creation of Michaelangelo. It was painted in white and blue, nothing really spectacular about it, except that it was the only room so far that doesn't have butterfly decorations. Just small pots of chrysanthemum at the centre of the table.

"A beautiful morning, Vanity Warriors!", Zhang He greeted with Lu Bu at his side. "Hmm.. we seem incomplete here."

In less than a second, Diao Chan came out of the kitchen and went straight to the pots of chrysanthemum. One by one , she placed small fake butterflies on them like it was some sort of candy sprinkles.

"That was… nice.", Lu Xun sighed.

"Very nice indeed.", Zhang He flapped his arms. Diao Chan returned to the kitchen and came out a few seconds later. She handed to Zhang He a plate of garnished—food?

"Gentlemen, I am proud to present to you our breakfast today. ", he took out the plate from his back and raised it like Simba in The Lion King. "The Lonely Muffin."

And so it was. At the sides of the plate were small butterfly chocolates in purple and yellow icing. At the centre, a single blueberry muffin was sitting all alone.

"Great! Appetizers!", Sun Ce broke the silence.

Diao Chan began to serve The Lonely Muffin to the clients across the table. "That is your breakfast for today. I repeat : The Lonely Muffin.", Zhang He declared.

Jiang Wei stared at his food like it was poo. "Soo.. I see. And if we're still hungry you would give us another Lonely Muffin, huh?"

Zhang He shook his head to their surprise. "I am afraid, no. and if you attempt to take those chocolate butterflies, just remember—Lu Bu is watching. The pretty chocolates are for garnish only."

"Bloody hell!", Zhao Yun cried. "Couldn't the recipe be Lonely Muffins Sitting Together?"

Nobody touched their food for a while. Yup, it was part of the weight- loss program, and it seems that everyone is following Zhang He's instructions, except for Sun Ce, who began grinning like hell.

"Oh, yeah! Let's see what happens if I touch them butterflies!"

And he did, but the moment he got hold of the tiny chocolate, Lu Bu held out a piece of remote control and started clicking the red button.

BZZZT!

"Aww!", Sun Ce cried, losing his grip on the fork. "You didn't tell me these are electric dining chairs!"

Lu Bu continued to press the button , sending Sun Ce's utensils to the floor. Sun Ce appeared to be dancing at every electric current brought upon him, and as he danced, Zhou Yu could see a message in red on Sun Ce's chair.

I LOVE PAIN! I LOVE PAIN!


	4. Introducing The Jelly Beauties

The Vanity Warriors had to admit—breakfast was wicked. Aside from having growling stomachs, one of them, Jiang Wei, started to have hallucinations while having a massage. Others believed that it was his lame excuse so the pretty Diao Chan would care for him, but the paranoid insisted that he saw Zhen Ji and Lu Bu having a great time together. Diao Chan had no choice but to talk to him about it all the while.

"Man, and I was expecting bacon and eggs!", Lu Xun snapped his fingers in frustration.

Zhou Yu patted his student's back repeatedly. "It's time to move on, Xunie. Breakfast is over, let's all get it over with."

"And how'd you think Zhang He could fry that meal? His chest is barely covered with anything, you know.", Zhao Yun said.

"How come you don't remember a lesson you learned the hard way, Xunie?", Zhou Yu smirked. "Lesson # 15, don't fry bacon in the nude."

"I wonder what we will be having for lunch?", Jiang Wei thought out loud. "Sun Ce's electrocuted ass?"

Sun Ce gave Jiang Wei a mild blow in the head. He kept caressing his butt for a few minutes now, but what else could he do? He loves pain—or the chair said so.

"So why not have a great time after that horrible breakfast, guys?", Ce wondered. "We've been everywhere, except for one place."

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When they went in the parlor, they thought that they would be greeted by waving girly fans and extremely glittery skirts matched with insane laughter—but they were not. Instead, they were snubbed by the Qiaos like they were covered with poo. At first, Zhao Yun thought of throwing the 'hey-I-paid-for-this' line, but Sun Ce encouraged him to do so with a manly manner.

"Look, Xiao and Da, we're sorry about yesterday. We just got scared of gay transformation.", Sun Ce apologized.

Zhou Yu could not prevent from snickering upon seeing Lu Xun's lip tremble every time they got close to the butterfly decorations. But the confession is serious, and who wouldnt dare to hurt another Qiao.

"Please don't get us all wrong. We make you look fabulous—not like faggots.", Da smiled in acceptance to Sun Ce's apology.

Zhao Yun could see things going well and said, "So from now on, this wont be Gay Transformation. It will be Gay Termination as long as we're here."

"Alright, that's it! Let's get started, shall we?", Xiao finally cheered up and pushed each and everyone of them to their corresponding chairs.

"Today we'll give you tips on your wardrobe.", Da said.

The boys seemed very interested in the giving of tips. Dan ad Xiao examined them one by one, eyeing them from head to toe. Zhou Yu couldn't help but flash his most gorgeous smile when Xiao laid her eyes on him, and he felt his heart flutter when she smiled back demurely. Now that's something that's not like her.

After observing them and eyeing them one by one, Xiao handed an underwear of some kind to Zhao Yun. The man stared at her in disbelief as he scratched his head.

"Hey—just because you are mad at me doesn't mean that you'll give me a leaf for an undie!", he objected, pulling the thin strings attached to the cotton leaf.

"It's necessary.", Xiao replied cleverly. "You're wearing light brown slacks, and it would be awful if your underwear can be traced through your pants. It's nice if we cover the necessary parts with the tiniest piece of clothing as much as possible. Don't tell me that leaf is too big for you!"

Zhao Yun nodded confidently. "No, no, no. actually it's a bit small."

Meanwhile Da Qiao couldn't help but comment on Lu Xun's logo shirt. "With looks like that, that is something that I don't believe." She pointed out to the captions of his shirt.

"TRUST ME—I'M STILL A VIRGIN."

Lu Xun winked an eye at the pretty lady, then Sun Ce cleared his throat, immediately stealing Da's attention.

"I need some help fixing this goatee.", he said. He couldn't think of another excuse. Da came closer and handed him the tiniest brush he had ever seen. "This will help a lot. By the way, you can call it Goatee Brush.", Da smiled.

"I need to tell you that some of you might need to change your wardrobe.", Da advised. She asked Jiang Wei to stand up and walk like a model in front.

"What's with those combat boots, Wei?", Xiao asked. "You can still kick ass without them, you know."

In an instant, Jiang Wei began stepping backward. "No! Don't tell me to take them off! They cost 4,000 yuan! Someone might steal them!'

"Nobody would be stealing THAT kind of shoes.", Zhou Yu laughed.

For a moment, Da went inside a small room , then came out later with a pair of nice, suede shoes. "Try this. It's Prada, bebe."

"—And Zhou Yu, you don't have to cling to long sleeved shirts. Try wearing something nicer., like Lu Xun's logo shirt." Da pointed towards the pyro, who was sticking his tongue out to his mentor.

Zhou Yu raised an eyebrow upon reading Lu Xun's logo shirt. "That shirt lies."

"That's the fun of it, making somebody believe something that is obviously not true.", Xiao winked.

"Alright, I'm not!", Lu Xun finally spoke up. For once he had proof that even his boyish looks couldn't trick somebody into believing what his shirt says. He smiled his widest, able to see that he should be proud that it's not. "On with the session."

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After long hours of much wardrobe changing, the Vanity Warriors were asked by the Qiaos to lay back at their chairs. They have indeed transformed into better vain persons : Jiang Wei finally got rid of his dull combat boots, Zhao Yun decides to try the leaf undie on, and Sun Ce was having fun with his new Goatee Brush. The boys wondered what's next, and they watched as Da and Xiao uncovered a small box of huge jelly beans.

"So that's why Zhang He made us eat the Lonely Muffin!", Zhao Yun said in delight. "We will be eating jelly beans afterwards!"

They could hear the sisters' loud sighs , and they bent their heads over in excitement and curiosity to see what the 'jelly beans' really are. "… Jelly Beauties..", Sun Ce read the cover as Dan ad Xiao took out assorted colored jelly beans from the box.

"Gentlemen—we would like to introduce the newest beauty product in town.", Xiao declared. "Jelly Beauties."

Silence.

Da took out an orange Jelly Beauty from the box and unwrapped it from the thin layer of plastic. "Jelly Beauties are soft and smooth materials that are used to massage your face." She demonstrated , rubbing the smooth thing on her face with much care.

"And they all come in different flavors?", Jiang Wei asked.

"Nope.", Xiao replied. "These Jelly Beauties have fruit extracts that enter your pores as you massage your face with it. Da is holding a Papaya Jelly Beauty. These babies give you great skin."

Lu Xun stared at the papaya Jelly Beauty with much curiosity. "Havent seen that product before… must be alien stuff."

"They look like silicone in different colors to me!", Zhao Yun exclaimed.

"These are new and they cost a lot!", Xiao said. "But Vanity Warriors has got them all for you!"

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Meanwhile as the Vanity Warriors were enjoying themselves inside the parlor, another centre for self- loving men were working themselves out with huge barbells and fast- paced treadmills. They were tough, muscle- toned bodies that were covered with oil to expose more of those mean biceps and six packs. Truthfully, they were a little old to compete with our Vanity Warriors, but they proved to be really mean. They called themselves, 'The Tyrants'. (creep in music, 'Macho, Macho Men'.)

As the gym leader Cao Cao watched his friends work out, Guan Yu at the treadmill, Xiahou Dun with the push- ups, and Liu Bei with aerobics that looked more like ballet, he approached his cousin Cao Ren, who was fighting for his life, raising a huge barbell on his back. "Determination—Cao Ren—is a huge aspect for success.", he advised, watching him grimace as he lifted the huge, heavy thing with two- muscled arms. Sweat was rolling down from his fore head.

"Cousin.. if I die.. take care of my wife for me!", Cao Ren managed to speak out.

Cao Cao smiled upon him. "I already did."

Cao Ren groaned as he achieved the highest point in lifting the barbell. Cao Cao clapped his hands in pride. "That's it, men! Tone your muscles! Sweat like a pig!"

He lifted his head in determination that The Tyrants shall stand out among others. The 'NO PAIN, NO GAIN' slogan was old to them, and as he stared at the gym ceiling, he admired those words written that gave him and his men power to rule.

"BE THE BEST BODY BUILDERS! DON'T THINK ABOUT ITS SIZE!"


End file.
